Do You Primitives Ever Stop Copulating?
by Trishata96
Summary: So that thing where Javik can go around the Normandy and sense the places where particular crew members have made their homes on the ship in the past.Well, turns out that he can also sense places where crew members have had sex before and gets vivid visions of their encounters. And due to the suicide mission and the final fight against the Reapers. The crew has been very, very busy
1. Chapter 1

**Do You primitives ever stop copulating?**

**My fill for a Kmeme prompt: (cut down a bit) If you don't like gay/leso couples or just don't like the idea of 'joining' do not read!**

**So that thing where Javik can go around the Normandy and sense the places where particular crew members have made their homes on the ship in the past.**

**Well, turns out that he can also sense places where crew members have had sex before and gets vivid visions of their encounters. And due to the suicide mission and the final fight against the Reapers. The crew has been very, very busy.**

**Bonus points:**

**Unconventional pairingsWorking in the subject line (Do you primitives ever stop copulating?)**

Javik was annoyed. He was sure that was not an appropriate word but it was simple enough for these primitives to understand. Make that annoyed and disgusted. He thought as he hunted around for an untainted place, taking care to avoid touching anything except the floor. His poor senses had been destroyed enough for today. Carefully he went into Liara's office, perhaps talking to the Asari about his far superior race would help put his mind at ease.

He really hated being wrong. The Asari was not present so he sat down to wait for her, resting an arm on the desk.

"_Admit it Cheerleader you love this!" Growled a tattooed and shaven headed woman as she forced the brunette over the desk, her cat-suit pushed down over her rear end. The brunette moaned into the table._

"_What was that, cheerleader?" A quick movement of her hand and the brunette moaned even louder, she raised her head a little and began whimpering._

"_Oh God! Yes! I Love this! Harder please. Oh YES!" She let out a cry of pleasure as the hand moved a bit more slower.  
_

"_What was that? I didn't hear you!" Cackled the bald woman, taking great pleasure in denying what 'cheerleader wanted'.  
_

"_Oh for Fuck's sake Jack. Fuck me properly." A flash of biotics and somehow the positions had been swapped…_

Javik practically leapt out of his seat, shaking. Quickly he turned on his heel, barging past a very confused Liara. The Asari watched as the Prothean hurried into the toilet's, immediately he was reminded by EDI that he was not female. So he hurried to the male's, hand clamped over his mouth, gagging. The humans that sat in the mess hall watched with raised eyebrows. They clearly did not have any idea what was ailing him. After Javik finished being sick, he went to the sink to rinse his mouth, though as soon as he touched the basin…

_A woman with a bob cut gave a moan but it was cut off as the man put a hand over her mouth. He gently put her down on the basin, nipping at her neck. Their uniforms crumpled beside the shower.  
_

"_Don't Gabby. You'll get us caught." Whispered the man. _

"_Oh Stop teasing me man! Shepard says we can screw." Gabby pulled the man close for a kiss._

"_Hey. Stop stealing my lines woman!" Muttered the man in-between gasps for breath._

"_Sure. When you stop looking at Tali's exo-suit and all the right places where it's nice and snug." Came a retort, then a yelp as the man nipped her somewhere sensitive.  
_

Javik immediately bolted for the toilet again and didn't leave until there was nothing left in his stomach except acid. Staggering out of the toilets, he headed to the Tech lab. That place had to be safe. It had to be. The primitive that occupied it last was a Salarian. They had no sex drive at all, which was thankful, they only engaged to increase numbers not for pleasure. The only child race that had sense. He reached it safely enough, he had learned long ago not to touch the lift walls. The depravity of the primitives, why could they not leave it to bedrooms and not try to mate everywhere? The Cerberus crew had been the worse, especially a red-headed woman, though Javik was sure Shepard would be concerned as to how she got a Varren on board... Placing both hands on the workbench within the Tech lab, he took a deep breath….

_There was a clatter as the Asari pushed all the equipment off the table and forced the elderly Salarian onto the workbench. _

"_Completely inappropriate for crew of our rank and age. But, I like it." Muttered the Salarian. The Asari smiled as she removed a crown like object from her forehead and unclasped her armour. Soon she mounted the Salarian, a slight smile on her lips._

"_Have you ever embraced eternity?" She asked._

"_Never. Experience should be nice. Enjoyable too, hopefully."_

Javik nearly fell over from the shock. Why? Why? Had his ancestors focused on the Asari? Why didn't they bomb them? They would have been better with the Turians. What was that human saying? Ah yes the Asari breed like babbits. Javik stalked away, not focusing on where he was heading, trying to formulate a way to synthesise a Asari Genophage, they were too many of those blue demons.

"Oh hi Javik. What brings you up here?" Javik was roused from his plans of world-domination by the voice of the ship's pilot. He'd never bothered to learn his name, only that the ape had a defect and was brittle.

"Trying to find somewhere untainted." He said simply.

"Oookay, Prothy. I'll pretend to have an idea of what you're going on about." Muttered the pilot. The Prothean put a hand on the back of the pilot's seat, resisting the urge to follow though on the threat of spacing the Pilot. Then he realised what Shepard had warned him about the pilot… something about…

"Gahh!" Javik involuntary let out a little scream and tried to storm away with as much dignity as he could. The pilot just watched him, a perplexed look on his face, the same with the synthetic co-pilot. Javik needed something to get those images away. Those images of the pilot's own fingers or metallic fingers gripping… He cursed himself and began reciting the Prothean Element table. That definitely abated the images. Where could he go now? Was there even a place that was safe?

Then a light bulb appeared above his head. The shuttle. The pilot was constantly up and working on it, mourning the lost of his mate. There was no way that he would allow someone to soil the shuttle. As he exited the lift, he passed the pilot and the Major Commander as they headed up for lunch. In the cargo bay, the gorilla was also gone. Though something was not right. Javik sniffed the air. What in the name of Vengeance was that smell? He went to investigate the shuttle and what he saw or sensed scared him so much.

_Two men were furiously kissing in the shuttle, fumbling with their belts. The light skinned one gave a moan as a dark hand delved down his pants. The light skinned man quickly pushed his partner onto the seats after pushing down the trousers and underwear. Expertly he fell to his knees and set about doing something. The other letting out a moan of ecstasy and crying out._

"_Oh god Kaidan!"_

Luckily for Javik nobody was on the deck so no primitives were there to witness Javik scream in a high pitched voice, then run to the decontamination chamber, praying to his deity to stop this torment. After he finished whimpering and rocking back and forth in a corner for a few minutes , a cold fury seized him. This was not how a military ship was run! The crew were not meant to procreate so often. What was the point of cross species, anyway? What was the bloody point of the same gender…

A shiver went down Javik's spine as he was reminded of his vivid vision. The visions were only that vivid if the joining had been mere minutes… All four of Javik's eyes went wide. He had passed those two apes, yet he had not noticed their stench of… The nearby wall was quickly punched in fit of fury and very soon so was the button for the lift. After what seemed an age, the door opened and he stormed out into the mess hall, where the majority of the crew were, eating. Immediately he yelled, not giving a damn what they thought of him.

" DO YOU PRIMITIVES EVER STOP COPULATING?" The Prothean was quite amused by the amount of fluids that were spluttered in each other's faces.

**Do not ask me how the hell i came up with Samara and Mordin, i do not know myself and am getting concerned. BTW if you think this should be moved up to M, please let me know. **


	2. Chapter 2

Vega shook his head in dismay. Trying to figure out how Javik had lost his marbles. He had been on edge the lase couple of days, though everyone thought it was just usual Prothean crankiness.

"Jav what the hell do you mean?"

:: I believe Javik is asking why the crew frequently engage in sexual activities:: Chipped in EDI over the intercom, Vega's eyes went wide, he knew some people on the ship were relieving stress but not that much to drive Javik insane. Certain crew members shuffled in their seats, no prize for guessing why. In fact the Major Commander now have a blush at the back of his neck.

"The AI is right. Are you attempting to disgust the reapers so much that they'd rather self-destruct?" The Prothean was now waving his hands all over the place. "Everywhere I go on this ship, every square inch of space is tainted by you primitives, even the lift is so tainted, I need to decontaminate myself by just stepping inside! Well, ANSWEAR ME!" Everyone jumped at Javik's raised voice.

"Javik. Are you sure you're not over reacting…" Tried to ask Kaidan, slowly standing up.

"Do not come any closer to me ape! You did not even have the decency to wash his pheromones off yourself! You are lucky I do not shoot you on the spot for fornicating with the pilot!" Javik screamed, pointing at Steve. Kaidan went quite red and he exchanged looks with his lover, then sat down like a child that had just been told off. Vega noted some of the ladies now looked quite shocked and very disappointed. Liara risked standing up.

"Is this why you ran out of my office earlier today?"

"Yes Asari. This is the one time I hate my superior ability of sensing memory imprints." One of the marines finally caught onto what was wrong.

"Oh dear lord… do not tell me you get visions of us knocking boots…" Moaned the human.

"Yes I do get visions of you primitives copulating! It is enough to drive a perfectly normal person insane!" The last sentence had every syllable sounded out by a punch to the wall. Javik paused for breath, fists clenched and biotics swirling around them. Everyone wisely began moving away from the possibly deranged Prothean. "It is bad enough I have to cope with a Krogan's seed everywhere in my home! But when you Primitives insist on mating everywhere, even with a bloody VARREN. And worse of all the synthetic is fraternis…"

::That is none of your business:: Came EDI's voice over the intercom a little too abruptly. In the background there was a groan and muttered cursing along the lines of 'Dammit EDI, now everyone knows!'.

"I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! It is time for you child races to follow the Prothean laws and suffer Prothean punishments! Now where is the nearest airlock." Javik began to advance on the now huddled group of terrified crew, all four eyes with an evil glint in them. Vega would have laughed at the sight of Esteban and the Major clinging to each like two girls, if he wasn't in the group, clinging to Traynor. He was pretty sure Javik would not discriminate in his frenzy. The hand reached out for the nearest person, Donnelly who had bravely and stupidly put himself in front of Daniels and was wielding a ... was that an egg whisk? Well, he thought to himself, at least he got to die clinging to a beautiful woman. Even if said woman was not interested in him.

Suddenly Javik fell to the floor a dart sticking out of his neck. In relief Donnelly fainted along with some of the female crew. Near the door to the med bay, Kate Shepard stood holding a blow dart, shaking her head. She stepped over to Javik then looked at her crew.

"I didn't think you were Bisexual, Kaidan." She commented, not a note of concern in her voice about the fainted crewmembers, yet an note of amusement.

**Yeah, this Shepard is amused by Javik nearly going Renegade and finding out Alenko butters both sides of the toast. As for the Varren thing, Mordin does mention in ME2 Scale itch somehow got on board, yet it is only native to Varren and is transmitted sexually, so be honest who immediately looked at Kelly after that?  
**


End file.
